Decision
by anotherweasley
Summary: Scully seeks guidance with the FBI counselor after Mulder is found dead.


Decisions  
By: Olivia  
  
"Where you use to be there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around  
in the daytime, and falling into at night. I miss you like hell."-Edna St. Vincent Millay  
  
"You've taught me to pursue the truth-no matter how painful. It's too late to back off  
now."-Meribor-Star Trek: The Next Generation  
  
  
"Hello, Dana," said Karen Kossif, FBI counselor, who sat in her office across from Scully. "The  
last time we spoke you were facing your illness. How are you doing?"  
  
"Fine, thank you," Scully said with a strained smile. "The cancer has been in remission. And a  
few months ago I found out that I'm pregnant. I wasn't supposed to be able to conceive a child."  
  
"That's wonderful news, Dana. I'm so glad. I read in your files that you recently lost your  
partner, Agent Mulder. I'm very sorry. I know how highly you thought of him. Is this what has  
brought you to see me?"  
  
"Yes," Scully said struggling to keep her tears at bay. "I'm going though a difficult time right  
now. I'm not certain that I should continue in my present position. It's hard for me to imagine  
continuing without Agent Mulder. And now with the baby coming...."  
  
"Is it a problem with your new partner?" asked Kossif concerned.  
  
"No," Scully said shaking her head. "Agent Doggett and I don't always agree, but he is a good  
Agent and did all he could to help me find Agent Mulder."  
  
"It's hard to lose someone close to us. You know this. You've dealt with losing loved ones  
before."  
  
Scully nodded her head in agreement. "Yes. But in the past I accepted that they were not  
coming back. But with Agent Mulder I just keep telling myself that this can't be happening, that  
he's not really gone. I just can't imagine God taking him away from me."  
  
"We've talked about your fear before-your fear to express your vulnerability to Agent Mulder and  
your fear of failing him. Do you feel you have failed him? Is this why you can't accept his  
death?"  
  
"I didn't save him. When he was first abducted, I didn't put the pieces together fast enough that  
he was the one who was in danger. My fear of being abducted again let Agent Mulder persuade  
me to stay behind. Agent Mulder risked his life numerous time to save mine. My mistakes  
allowed him to be abducted. And then I didn't go far enough to save him."  
  
Scully let her head drop. "The irony is, that when I finally got a break, a chance to save him, I  
went too far. It seems like it I had done nothing, he would have just appeared one day, alive and  
well."  
  
Scully licked her lips trying to keep a hold of her emotions. Her cracking voice betrayed her.   
"My mistakes led to Agent Mulder's death. He trusted me and I let him down."  
  
"Your work with Agent Mulder," Karen flipped through her note pad, "in the X-Files division  
has always been important to you. You've been there almost eight years now. Do you feel you  
can continue in that division?"  
  
"Agent Mulder's work was very important to him," Scully stated simply.  
  
"But is it important enough to you? Do you feel that without Agent Mulder there is no reason to  
continue?"  
  
Scully looked up at Kossif. "The cases we work on are important. I have seen and learned so  
much over the past years because of Agent Mulder. I respected his passionate search for the  
truth. And now with Agent Mulder," Scully couldn't bring herself to use the word `dead', "gone  
there is every reason to leave this position and go back to teaching at Quantico."  
  
"And yet you fear in leaving the X-Files you would be failing Agent Mulder again?"  
  
"If I left the X-Files it would be closed. There would be no one who cared to continue the work.   
But the work is important. Part of me feels that it is important for me to stay on. I feel more  
connected to Agent Mulder at work. I look around at our office, at seven years' worth of cases  
and I realize how important they are to me as well. And I can't help feeling that somewhere in  
the X-Files are the answers I seek as to why this happened to Agent Mulder. Maybe somehow I  
can make sense of all of this. Maybe somehow I can prevent his from happening to someone  
else. I don't want Mulder's life to have been in vain. I don't want our work, our sacrifices, to  
have been all for nothing."  
  
Kossif smiled compassionately at Scully. "Dana, it sounds like you already have made up your  
mind."  
  
Scully let her own words sink in for a few moments. Then with a quiet, renewed strength, she  
said, "Yes...yes, I guess I have." 


End file.
